My kitten is sleeping on the bed, next to me. I hold my laptop(in my lap, duh), and the beer between my legs, holding it still, so the beer won’t come out. Yeah, I’m 30% drunk, 40% sad and another 30% bored…
I wanted to go out with someone, no one to go out with.
E. is out, helping some work colleague.
I’m watching The last Episode of THE OFFICE… I grew up with it, somehow, I used to watch it with my ex, A….. and it’s ending…
So It’s Saturday (my favourite day), I’m alone at home (if you don’t count the kitten), I’m sad, I’ve no more beer and …I’ll smoke a ciggar. Yes, a ciggar. Because Dwight (character in The Office) reminded me I have one left in my desk.
P.S. I’ve been meaning to write… Too much time has passed, again. I’ve had reasons for no writing, though. And as usual, the more time you don’t write, the harder it is to write, in the end. Unless 30% drunk.
I realized something about me and E., these past days : we became too serious, too soon.
We spend all day worrying about money and thinking of ways of earning more money : mostly because we plan to quit our jobs (me in June), and E. a bit later, but… also because the money we earn are not enough. Really are not enough! My fridge is almost empty, I have some soup, and we have to pay the rent till the end of the month. I don’t know how we will do it.
We also want to go on a short trip this Easter(5th of May), to my aunts and grandmother. We need this trip, we need it like we need a mouthful of fresh air, like we need nature after staying in a workshop (E.), or in a classroom (me), when it is lovely and sunny and hot outside. And birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, the trees are in bloom, and we stay in. All this time, in. We come home and we go for a short walk, because before we know it, it is dark, and the birds have gone to sleep…
I know I’m strong, and proud too… My parents never know how hard it is for us. But truth be told, it was never as bad as now. We always handled it very well.
Probably now too. We will handle it. It will pass.
Meanwhile, I’m an optimistic, smiling ME. “Fake it till you make it”. Deep inside I’m on the verge of depression, but I see E. is stressed too, and I don’t want to put more pressure on him.
So I’m morale officer in Wonderland. Me. Morale officer. Ha. Things change.
(It’s funny that we need a morale officer, in WONDERLAND, isn’t it?)
I’ve always liked taking photos. There was a time when I was thinking, or dreaming, of becoming a photographer. I just don’t know how, anymore. Anyway, taking photos is easy. It is even easier when you have a great great model.
I’ll never be this young again, and so, I tell you…
I’ve had a great 22, I managed to do a lot of things I wanted to do, and I’m very proud of myself:
- I graduated college
- I moved out of my parents’ home
- I moved with my boyfriend
I learned how to use the washing machine
I learned how to cook some new food
- I “took” my first job. I managed to TEACH.
- I recently (the day before yesterday) went to a barbeque’s with E’s family but mostly the parents, of whom I was afraid, and I survived.
- I made new friends
- I tried Japanese cuisine, and Chinese cuisine, all in one year. (Yesterday we ate at a Chinese restaurant. YUM!)
- I dared to dream about something most of our friends told us not to dream.
- I lost (a bit of) weight.
Conclusion: I’m 23 now, I’m stronger, and the sky is the limit!
“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”
I’m almost 23 years old and I still cannot grasp the entire reality of death… I cannot understand it. I’m almost surprised by it. I’m always saddened by it. And I know that people, after they’ve seen death several times in their lives, they grow (a little) more accustomed to it.
But I’m 23 and I’m always surprised by it. It always makes my heart smaller and…ugly, like a little raisin.
And this death is far from me. But I’ve taken it quite close to my heart.
I’ve establised already that B. is a good friend of E., and that he used to be a friend of mine too, until… well, probably he liked me too much.
He told me he stopped talking with me because he didn’t want a distance relationship and that I had became “too much”. Then, when me and E. had became an item, he told E. that I only started being with him to attract his attention.
And I about me being “too much”, I believed him, because the other option was that he really started caring very much about me, and then, who can give up someone he really likes(me) only because the receiver of this love says …on short, “no”?
A very strong, determined person.
His father had cancer. He had cancer until today, at 3 pm. He had cancer until the last moment of his life, and I never met him. I could have. Probably. I understand he was a very smart man, a chess lover, and not only lover but competitions wining chess lover. I really understood that he loved his children, his family.
And I understand he had helped E., several times.
So E. left, because B’s father was in a hospital in this city. He went there too. He left at 3 pm, and wanted to see him alive. To find him alive. He died close to 4 pm, when E. was at 5 hours distance of him.
And this, this whole thing made me sad.
Death. I STILL cannot understand death. It’s a bit like death is 2 meters long and I cannot move my head or my neck, and so, I cannot see it entirely. I don’t understand it.
I am sure B. is suffering. But he is also a strong, stubborn person, who DOESN’T let see anything!
Because…I just can’t imagine. I don’t want to.