March 10, 2012 Like a game of billiards
That was it. Remember how I told you it is hard for me to do something for the first time? That I always have to know what will happen, that I take no risks and that I have to be in control all the time? I also told you how this defect of mine was influencing my relationship.
We started our day talking on the Internet, pieces of conversations, taking in consideration he was at work. We were talking about what we were to do today. Because we were bored of everything. Like usual, he asked me to go to the pool. I said no. He asked me to go play billiards. I said no. I told him we could play monopoly, somewhere, but only us alone, so this was not a good plan.
We met and I asked him if his friends don’t like me, because we used to meet them more often, while now it seems we don’t. He said he hadn’t heard anything about this.
I don’t know exactly how our fight started, but there are 3 places in this city we usually go to. It’s Ba., Bi., and Te. Well, Bi was full, Ba was full, and somehow, on our way from Ba. to Te., the fight started. I knew the fact that I always rejected him and never did anything new with him, bothered him, but I wanted to push him to the limit. I wanted to hear it from his mouth. So it started.
In turns, I had my speech, he had his speech, and usually while he was having his speech I would smile and think of how funny the whole situation was. We never got to Te., probably it was full anyway, because of this fight. He said he was bored of our places and that he tried to make me do new things. Somehow, I was really bored of these places too, and I didn’t even want to go to Te.
So we were walking and fighting, having my speech I was raising my voice, and I would get scared of it, because until recently, I was always the cry-girl not the yell-girl.
I was happy inside, because I got him started. At some point he told me there was no point to fight, because we wouldn’t solve anything, and I stopped and told him “in this case, there’s no point to continue this relationship, things have to be solved, not ignored”. He didn’t react.
A bit later, while in the park, I told him the same “we don’t want to go to Te., then it’s clear” and he said “it’s not a solution to break up, you always bring this up”, which made me say “I wasn’t going to break up with you, I was going to propose to stay in the park. Oh, but I dressed nicely, I don’t want to stay in the park!”.
So we continued fighting. I told him I never knew this was so disturbing for him, the fact I always rejected him. I told him I could guess, but I never knew it was so bad. That I needed to know.
I told him he was just like other boys: those who have something on their heart, they don’t like something about their girlfriend, but instead of talking with her about this, instead of complaining, they just break up with the girl, not even giving her a chance to change or fight for the relationship. And sometimes, because they don’t complain, the relationship loses its intensity, and the people just fall out of love. There’s no point to complain, then, because all that’s left between them is indifference.
I told him I tried all along to make him complain. I was needing this. I told him we were going to play pool/billiard and although he said there was no point then, I told him we were going to do that, it was a must.
On our way he told me he had drunk 2 beers in hope(but not only) to give him courage to talk to me about these things. I stopped, took my hand from his and looked at him. “seriously? What am I now, a witch? You are scared of me?”, he told me he has this problem with almost everybody.
When we got there, I was so shy. He showed me how to play, and we laughed a lot. I played quite ok for my first time. 2-2
He was very close to me, while I was thinking of a strategy of putting a ball in a hole and he whispered “I love you“. Shocked, I stopped from my thinking and turned my head at him and asked him “You’re trying to make me lose, right?”.
The feeling was so nice. The way he told it was so nice.
The thing is… Making someone fight with you, complain, tell you what it is in his heart is like a game of billiards. You just have to know from which angle and how hard to hit/push him.