From Jane Austen to sickness, from dreams of old times to a not so bright future

May 6, 2012 From Jane Austen to sickness, from dreams of old times to a not so bright future

I took my laptop from the desk, and here I am, laying in bed under a warm blanket.

I am almost sick of laying in bed; since Thursday I mostly stayed in bed. I’ve been sick and so I re-watched movies.   I re-watched almost all movies which are based on Jane Austen’s novels. I excluded Sense and Sensibility and Northanger Abbey because the heroines in those books just annoy me too much. So whiny, so naive, so sentimental. Well. I love Sense from Sense and Sensibility, but only her. The other heroines in general are witty, smart and always know what to say best.

I always had a thing for Jane Austen’s novels and unfortunately so far I have only two of her novels, Pride and Prejudice and Emma, the latter being my latest addition to my “little library”.

So I spent my days in bed, watching movies. My “sickness”, because it’s only a virus, which made my nose run, made me lose my appetite (I’m actually thankful for this), made me feel sick at any thought of food, and what was worse, gave me a panic attack. Or at least I think it was a panic attack, I am the only one to blame for that since it just came from… my mind. I am afraid of throwing up or fainting in public and so when I got dizzy, I quickly sat on some steps and called my father to come take me home. Of course I started crying. I wouldn’t be miss Audrey if not! That night I also had a fever. Not high, just… I’m not the feverish type.

Anyway, I might be considered an anti feminist for saying this, and I’m not,  but… I somehow wish I existed in those days.  Those times are so fascinating for me, their clothes, their manners, their horses and their books (quite new in their time, but I still see them as old).

The man back then still respected women. Women had time for themselves. They could play the piano, read or perfect their French. That, if they were rich. If they were not, it’s a whole other story.  Nobody really expected too much of them, so if they were to be bright and smart, people were just pleasantly surprised. They could marry for love or for money, and because I don’t believe in that passionate love, it sounds fine. What if it was supposed to be this way? What if love was invented by men not so long ago? What if it’s ok to choose your husband after what a fine father would be he financially?

I know I might sound too harsh, and to be honest, I’m not even sure that I certainly believe this. But it seems easier. Women have the right for an education and for a job, women have the right to information and to be paid as much if not more than men. I agree to that, and it is only fair. Those who fought for women’s rights were women who had no rights, and I couldn’t think myself superior to them, not in a thousand years.

It seems easier. Mostly because in my world, now, although nothing has been spoken about this, I feel a big pressure on my shoulders. A pressure that I wish it not be bigger than my shoulders can support. There were so many girls going through  what I’m going through this year, which is not even a big deal, girls who succeeded, that … I feel weak for thinking so much about this pressure. They just tried, and succeeded, without thoughts being thought, the way mine are, maybe.

Why do I think so much of failing? Maybe I’m not ready to leave the world of Students for the one of Unemployed.  I am afraid I will disappoint people and mostly myself. My self-confidence is so thin. Even a blow of wind could scatter it everywhere. And then…

Miss Audrey, the one I so long tried to improve, the confident Miss Audrey, when will she come out and play with you again?

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Tags: books, days, depression, jane austen, life, love, movies, past, personality, sickness, society

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