Category Archives: Friends
You know those people that have a blog for everything except their own opinions, their own words, their own personality?
I have a friend who writes big things; like she’s living in a fairy tale, things you write when you’re naive and 17, words you choose when you want to seem different than you are. That, when she writes her own posts, most of the time she just puts articles written by other people. Or clothes. Or people photographed by other people. And she advertises on Facebook.
Well. I started this blog as a secret thing. It surprised me, at some point, how many people were reading me, and how many people seemed to like what I was writing. It surprised me because, although I have dreamed of having Many people reading me, I never believed it could happen.
I started this blog as a combination of a diary and a magazine written only by myself. A magazine that would never be at the standard of the ones already on the market, and thus, never read.
You never want something, until you catch the taste of it. I’ve been around for some time, and I think I know a thing or two about this “business”. The more read you, the more like you, the more see you, the more you want… this is as true here, as in life generally.
I started writing this post because although in the beginning I relied on having posts ONLY written by me, and no collection of photos, etc., everyday I browse the web and collect photos and ideas. And from now on, it might happen that things will change around here…
I’m searching for a place to live with my boyfriend, I’m going on training this weekend, and will soon start work…. and then, how could things stay the same, when Miss Audrey here grows up in such an important way?
Why important? These things I mentioned are all the things I wanted to accomplish till the age of 25 At 22!
How is better? To have the last word or to hold your silence for eternity?
Because sometimes I remember about G. Sometimes I think of him and his engagement. Today I saw this in another light: his girlfriend saying “yes” to his proposal in Venice, after 9 months of relationship, and I don’t know how much time spent together, taking in consideration that he was working on the cruise ship while she…I think remained home.
Is this stupid or romantic?
Probably this is the end of a beautiful friendship (that used to be). And then I get this ideas that I should send him a message. Exit the stage in a grand way.
But hell, doing that would show two things:
- I’m trying to get his attention
- I still care
So I won’t.
I’ll exit the stage without fireworks or clapping. I’ll disappear quietly, it is more my style. Quietly and with no regrets.
All week I’ve searched for jobs. All I’ve found are companies which just mock their employees. All I’ve found is jobs I’m not made for, entitled to dream at. There’s nothing I’m good for; and they’ve said I was going to school in order to have a future.
Future? When is this going to start?
Because, it seems to me we are dragging it out, extending the school period, the period in which we learn (in order to have a future). We do this why? To have a better future. Everybody has to go to college nowadays(what I mean, here, you’re a nobody, a coward if you don’t).
Initially we have 12 years of school (4 primary school + 4 secondary school + 4 high school) and then we add 3 or 4 years of college. Hell, by now, finishing this college who made your hair look like a 40 years old womans’ hair, you’d think you’ll find a job.
No, please add 2 more years. Masters degree.
Which I chose not to do. Because there are no more chances I’ll find a job then, than now.
All week I’ve searched for a job. All I’ve got is a call-center which treats its employees like crap.
This, this, this is the future I’ve paid for? This is the future I’ve cried for? THIS is the future that took 15 years of my life when I dreamed and dreamed?
I haven’t found anything. Employable graduate. Will bark for a job. Will do anything, because…
My friend and ex-colleague didn’t finish college(yet). Just got a job. In my city. Doing something complicated. I’m happy for her really. I just wonder when life will stop kicking me around.
While I’m still waiting for my future to come…
I wasn’t even surprised. I should have been but actually I believed that was the next normal step, next natural slap for life to give me. A bit shocking, yes. Life slaps you, sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn’t.
G. is engaged. What would have torn me apart, what would have made me so frustrated and made me cry, today got a smile out of me.
“She said Yes”.
Oh, it is not even just the fact that the guy I dreamed about for some years is engaged. It’s about HIM.
He never seemed the guy to get married. Hell, it wasn’t only my impression, he told me if he would get married he would do it only after 30 years old. He was a party-animal, you know “the man is a social animal”, well he was surely a social animal, he was full of magic and information, he had an “oldies” air around himself, making him seem to have come from the thirties…
But he’s 25, and after we had our little “time together”, he found a girl and now he’s asked her to marry him… Right after our time together.
When I couldn’t tell him how I felt about him because he told me from the start that he didn’t want a relationship.
And still, I’m not shocked. I’m not surprised. This was the natural step.
My relationship with E. is ok. I’m applying to jobs being scared that they might actually call me for an interview. I stay home and read all day. I look at my suntanned skin and love my body…
We were at a wedding on the 18th of August, and there I told E.:
Me: “We are already like a married couple”
Me:”Everyday I feel like hitting you with a cooking pan”
It was a joke, although not far from the truth.
“I understood the impossibility of love. We imagine that its object is a being who can be couched in front of us, enclosed in a body. Alas! It is the extension of this being into all the points of space and time that this being has and will occupy. If we don’t possess its contact with such a place, with such a time, we don’t possess it.”
That is the remarkable thing about drinking: it brings people together so quickly, but between night and morning it sets an interval again of years. – Erich Maria Remarque
Saturday, E. and I will go to a wedding. Some friends of his are getting married and all his friends will be there. It’s the first time I go to a wedding, because here weddings aren’t quite the most elegant thing. Stupid music, stupid people, stupid dances, etc.
Last Saturday we went out with the “soon-to be” married guys. They are ok. We started with a beer, we continued with another one. And then E. proposed we should drink a shot. We drank it, and then he proposed we should drink another shot. We drank it, and then we had another one.
In the end, I was “the drunkest” I ever was before, blaming E. for his idea, and blaming myself for the lack of self-control.
Because when I start to get dizzy and feel good is really harder to stop. And when I get drunk I talk a lot. Oh, a lot of all subjects, from books to… sex.
I blamed E. and I blamed myself. But in the end, E. was the one who kept the mobile phone open for us to have some light in the bathroom, because they cut the electricity in the “sex apartment” (an apartment that is empty, a friend of his who is almost all the time out of the city). In the end, E. was the one who saw me in a very vulnerable and gross position and still found it easy to tell me he loved me…