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In wonderland

I'd rather not

Tag Archives: life

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It doesn’t get better.. just easier to ignore.

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I find meaning in all lyrics I hear nowadays. In all poems I read. And not any kind of meaning, but I make them apply to me, to my feelings, my situation, my life.

I didn’t hit anybody, I don’t yell at people, this is how I make myself feel better.

And this weekend, the city I live in has its “birthday”.

Yesterday we were at a concert. Quite romantic music, holding hands but mostly hugging and singing…

And it felt good.

Yelling some of the lyrics, because some songs were a bit more ‘rocky’

Ahhh…

There was a song “I want a miracle, I want a miracle in my life, I want a miracle, to be able to change something…”

Because I know how much this last year has made me grow…in strength and everything (and let’s not forget those 8 kg I put on, because stress doesn’t slim me…), but doesn’t help me much in understanding why it happened.

It happened because… headache and rain, November and dark, bad people and innocence.

 

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I’ve learned some things… in the last few months,

I’ve learned not to judge people on appearances.

To give the benefit of the doubt

That friends are friends…for life,

To understand that every person has a story behind his or her smiling face

That people are suffering every minute, every second, and every now and then

That people make mistakes, more often than they’d like to admit

When people suffer, they like to show it,

In different ways.

Because people are unique by definition. Of course.

People are strong…

Well, some people try to be strong,

They don’t complain and try to smile, and leave their life as if nothing happened…

Until they crack, because… life.

There’s no sufferance bigger than another…

Except there is..

When it’s yours,

It’s the biggest.

It’s the fucking biggest.

If you’d take time to ask a person for his or her story,

You might discover a drama…

Or not.

But mine’s a drama.

Sorry for not getting over it.

Sorry for getting negative,

But such is life.

(I actually wrote this because I was told at work that people say about me I’m negative[on the calls?]. It got to me, and I would really like to post this to my FB page. But what do you think? Is this like “look at me, I’m living a drama, I’m suffering”, or… more discrete and ok to share on FB? Thank you!)

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I’m still here…

Probably going “crazier” and in much need of a psychologist, but… still here.

Will write more…Soon.

(Funny though, looking on deviant, searching for a photo using “crazy”, how this word got a positive connotation lately. I had to search for “depressed”, HAPPILY this word hasn’t changed it’s negative meaning)

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I keep thinking and analyzing my thoughts and my feelings.

From the beginning I refused to think of myself as a victim,  but as a survivor.  I kept it all inside while looking around at people that were suffering because of my “happening”. Poor miss Audrey. Not your fault. We’re all here for you. Don’t cry, or …cry. How strong you are..
But the truth is that much of my strength was coming from their “pity”. Their suffering. First of all because I didn’t want to make them suffer even more, and second of all because all this talk about my strength and the idea of me being strong were making my ego very happy…

A month and almost two weeks have passed and to some extent I feel even worse. People seem to have forgotten,  and that’s okay.  But I haven’t.  And I feel a bit like everybody’s moving on while I remain on a deserted island,  alone. Is this only my impression?  Perhaps.

Tuesday I’ll go back to work – the place where it all started, somehow. We’ll move in with my sister and her fiancé,  and again I’ll have the shock of seeing how my beautiful life, my happy life was turned upside down by an idiot who has some mental illness, probably, and by chance…

And I don’t feel strong anymore. I don’t feel like being optimistic.  I feel like breaking down and crying, but… It might be too late for that.

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