Tag Archives: life
One year ago I was finishing college. Well, almost one year ago…. on the 1st of June. But this 1st of June, I’ll go at the graduation of a friend of mine, and I’m really curious if I will regret anything… I doubt it.
One year ago, I was just finishing college, graduating it after a lot of teachers managed to make my confidence reach a new low.
But enough about that.
Days are passing, one after one, one after one, nothing new happens. I’m bored, a bit.
This is supposed to be my last week of work. I’m sure that deep inside me, I’m scared as hell, but I don’t feel it, I feel optimistic. Maybe I’ve learnt how to deal with stress, this past year when I’ve only been stressed…
I play with my kitty. We watch movies. There are days when I don’t leave home all day. I’ve started drinking, not much, just… out of boredom, I guess.
Well, but enough about me. How are you?:)
I realized something about me and E., these past days : we became too serious, too soon.
We spend all day worrying about money and thinking of ways of earning more money : mostly because we plan to quit our jobs (me in June), and E. a bit later, but… also because the money we earn are not enough. Really are not enough! My fridge is almost empty, I have some soup, and we have to pay the rent till the end of the month. I don’t know how we will do it.
We also want to go on a short trip this Easter(5th of May), to my aunts and grandmother. We need this trip, we need it like we need a mouthful of fresh air, like we need nature after staying in a workshop (E.), or in a classroom (me), when it is lovely and sunny and hot outside. And birds are chirping, bees are buzzing, the trees are in bloom, and we stay in. All this time, in. We come home and we go for a short walk, because before we know it, it is dark, and the birds have gone to sleep…
I know I’m strong, and proud too… My parents never know how hard it is for us. But truth be told, it was never as bad as now. We always handled it very well.
Probably now too. We will handle it. It will pass.
Meanwhile, I’m an optimistic, smiling ME. “Fake it till you make it”. Deep inside I’m on the verge of depression, but I see E. is stressed too, and I don’t want to put more pressure on him.
So I’m morale officer in Wonderland. Me. Morale officer. Ha. Things change.
(It’s funny that we need a morale officer, in WONDERLAND, isn’t it?)
“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”
Last year I wrote this:
It was Valentine’s Day today, and I didn’t celebrate it!
I didn’t celebrate it because I didn’t want to.
Well, well, before jumping at my throat accusing me of fake indifference and of staying home and crying with my imaginary cat on my lap, you have to know I have a boyfriend I didn’t even see today. We haven’t talked much either. We didn’t want to meet today. Yes, on purpose. I just met a friend instead, and he went snowboarding.
I didn’t offer myself a box of chocolates or a greeting card, I didn’t receive balloons from myself and I definitely haven’t been in a flower shop today.
Because every day, I love. Today, not so much.
If I feel like buying him chocolate, I will, even if it’s not a special day for love. If I feel like making love with candles and wine, I will, any day of the year. If I feel like telling him the three special words, I don’t need a special day but to be ready and to mean it.
I don’t like today because I see couples everywhere; the girls have flowers in their hands, they hold hands and kiss every two meters. They don’t care anymore (because today is a BIG day), that yesterday he insulted her and she acted like a total crazy person. They don’t care that a week ago he flirted with her best friend, and that she got drunk at that party 3 days ago and offered many horny teenagers a show they won’t quickly forget : striptease.
It’s a bit like every couple’s problems take a break:” Today it’s Valentine’s Day. Let’s act all lovely and sweet with each other; from tomorrow on though, you’re dead to me!… Oh, and you better buy a nice present this year!”
Maybe I’m exaggerating. It’s been known for this to happen. But even though my examples are very rough, at their core, they’re true.
What were my reasons for not celebrating?
1. In my country it’s an imported holiday, meaning that we just took it because we liked it; oh, and because businesses flourish in this period.
2. I’m stubborn; Just because I don’t want to celebrate love when EVERYBODY else does it, I might just make a nice card or buy him a chocolate tomorrow. Tomorrow everybody will have forgotten about Valentine’s Day, “so it’s just our day for love, honey”.
3. It’s so commercial. AT LEAST if lovers around the world would just give handmade things. Something you put thought and work in values way more than some roses which will die in 2 days. (He came at me on Saturday; I made him muffins. He loved them). But only when I see how today, the flower shop on my street remained open till 22… When usually closes at 20.
Money, money, money. And I’m sorry, but money can ruin even the most romantic day.
Today, he stood in the kitchen and I in the living room. He studied, I did several things. Alone. This is no way of spending ANY day, either.
Okay, here I am. Writing after weeks of absence, weeks which seemed to me more like…days. Weekdays pass quickly, and weekends pass even more quickly.
My life has been reduced to as little as this : waking up, coffee and cigarettes, browsing the web, dressing up for work, on my way to work, hating work – loving work – hating work, waiting for the bus, arriving home hungry, finding the house or smelling like fresh food – but in the making, and so I have to wait, or void of any good smells…this making me angry and even more hungry.
We rarely go out. Lately, it’s been like… once a week, the most.
Mostly because we are always so tired. But also because we haven’t had any money lately.
Last Sunday we’ve taken a walk to the centre of the town (3 km). We’ve sat on the bench and drank mineral water. Bought with ‘pennies’. Coins we’ve put in a jar in the last 3 months. We got back and bought 2 pieces of cake, again, we paid with coins.
I’m not afraid of financial difficulties. I’m not a girl to cry because she can’t buy I don’t know what, or go I don’t know where. I’m sure that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, but this is too much, for now.
Is this what it is like to be an adult? Constant worries? Constant tiredness?
Depression begins. I’m 22 and have the most boring life
Note: I’m sure there are some who have it worse; however, that doesn’t make me feel any better.