Tag Archives: love
“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”
Last year I wrote this:
It was Valentine’s Day today, and I didn’t celebrate it!
I didn’t celebrate it because I didn’t want to.
Well, well, before jumping at my throat accusing me of fake indifference and of staying home and crying with my imaginary cat on my lap, you have to know I have a boyfriend I didn’t even see today. We haven’t talked much either. We didn’t want to meet today. Yes, on purpose. I just met a friend instead, and he went snowboarding.
I didn’t offer myself a box of chocolates or a greeting card, I didn’t receive balloons from myself and I definitely haven’t been in a flower shop today.
Because every day, I love. Today, not so much.
If I feel like buying him chocolate, I will, even if it’s not a special day for love. If I feel like making love with candles and wine, I will, any day of the year. If I feel like telling him the three special words, I don’t need a special day but to be ready and to mean it.
I don’t like today because I see couples everywhere; the girls have flowers in their hands, they hold hands and kiss every two meters. They don’t care anymore (because today is a BIG day), that yesterday he insulted her and she acted like a total crazy person. They don’t care that a week ago he flirted with her best friend, and that she got drunk at that party 3 days ago and offered many horny teenagers a show they won’t quickly forget : striptease.
It’s a bit like every couple’s problems take a break:” Today it’s Valentine’s Day. Let’s act all lovely and sweet with each other; from tomorrow on though, you’re dead to me!… Oh, and you better buy a nice present this year!”
Maybe I’m exaggerating. It’s been known for this to happen. But even though my examples are very rough, at their core, they’re true.
What were my reasons for not celebrating?
1. In my country it’s an imported holiday, meaning that we just took it because we liked it; oh, and because businesses flourish in this period.
2. I’m stubborn; Just because I don’t want to celebrate love when EVERYBODY else does it, I might just make a nice card or buy him a chocolate tomorrow. Tomorrow everybody will have forgotten about Valentine’s Day, “so it’s just our day for love, honey”.
3. It’s so commercial. AT LEAST if lovers around the world would just give handmade things. Something you put thought and work in values way more than some roses which will die in 2 days. (He came at me on Saturday; I made him muffins. He loved them). But only when I see how today, the flower shop on my street remained open till 22… When usually closes at 20.
Money, money, money. And I’m sorry, but money can ruin even the most romantic day.
Today, he stood in the kitchen and I in the living room. He studied, I did several things. Alone. This is no way of spending ANY day, either.
I want a cat. I’ve been wanting a cat for three months now. Nothing. Not a miaw in this house! We never have the money, we never get back on the track. Right now we’re broke. We took all we had left and tried to pay E’s college. Almost.
Yesterday we celebrated 1 year and 2 months.
Not a miaw in this house.
I don’t know what’s with me. I used to be happy, now I’m …depressed. I don’t see the good, I only see the bad. I get mad. I am tired. I live for the weekends.
Why ain’t I happy? He loves me, he lives with me, he sometimes cooks for me, he sometimes washes the dishes, he waits for me to eat, he …
And I love him.
And this post tries to make me cry, and it is to early in the morning to cry.
I finally understood why people used to say, when I was a child, that adulthood was hard and stressful.
I’m 22 and I moved out of my parents’ home, in with my boyfriend, I found a very stressful job, we’re barely making ends meet. We’re ok, but barely.
When people my age, have only their exams to worry about, and maybe to suffer about love. I know, because I was in that place as well, not so long ago.
I can see clearly now; I can’t say I regret. I’m just very worried. And I’m also proud. But I’m more worried than proud:)
(We put nothing aside, and E. has to pay college in February)
I’m confused. But that’s nothing new, is it?
Saturday we went to our hometown. Each of us at his home. We wanted to go out, and he came and took me from home, like in the old days. And then I was mocking him and flirting with him, and everything was like before. The butterflies, the feelings…
That sort of happiness I used to get from being with him, from looking at his smile.
And then, at night, sleeping alone in my bed from home, a bigger bed than ours, and more spacious for sure, since I was sleeping alone, who have I dreamed of?
G. A year later, a year after our last conversation, a year after being happy with E., I was kissing G. in my dream. And let me tell you, I haven’t had even the …you know, respect, to wake up from such a “cheat dream”. NO. I enjoyed it so much that my parents had to wake me up, because I’ve slept for 10 hours.
I was confused. Thoughts I haven’t had for a year came up to me then. And then, going out for a tea with two of my friends, who have I seen on the other side of the road?
G. I was sure it wasn’t him, but I was staring at him. I wasn’t wearing my glasses, and I had to stare, to be sure.
You know, if he wouldn’t have also stared at me, that guy, it would have been okay. But we were both going, in contra-sense, 10 meters distance, with our heads turned to each other.
And if he wasn’t G., why was he staring at me?
My friends were walking normally next to me, when I really had to stop this staring and said “what the fuck?!”. They had no idea. They wanted to follow him, (like we used to do as children, probably), but the rational part of me realized that if that guy was G. :
1) He would have yelled/waved/said something
2) I would have hugged him and cried, in the state I was in, so better not
And, I have realized I have chosen E. rationally.
3) There’s no point in digging up the past; not when you know you have taken the best decision there were.
I’m still nostalgic, though…