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“I'd rather not”

Tag Archives: men

November 29, 2012 I’m the diva, he’s the peasant, this is how we make fun of ourselves


Yesterday, tired as I could be, I came home.

Everything managed to piss me off, I wasn’t satisfied with anything: the food, I didn’t like very much, the food was heated but quite cold, my dear boyfriend was in pajamas at 6.30 pm.

What a disappointment. And how picky was I. But I was trying to calm down.

So what if the spinach was cold, and the soup was cold, and I don’t like eating cold food?

We drank a beer together.

I went to the bathroom and yelled to him …something about marriage, but I had to have been quite drunk, since I don’t remember it well. He said he never wants to get married. I said I want to, someday. And then he said he wants it someday, too.

Men. Who understands them?

We drank another beer together.

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November 9, 2012 The first thoughts this first week

 

He has access now to my blog, if he wants it. That would mean, it’s true, that he wouldn’t really respect my privacy. But my laptop is here on the table all the time, and the blog is not well-hidden. Oh well.

I expected us to grow apart since we moved together. I expected us to get tired of being together, but I go around the house and sometimes I smell his clothes just because I like his smell, I wait for him to come home.

I love him more now. Some sort of love I never experienced before, a “my man” love. I look at him and try to hide what I believe to be a spark in my eyes, when I look at him.

I thought I would have a hard time sharing the money,  buying food from my money, and so on. It seems I’m less individualistic than I thought, because I have no problem with these…

He fought with his parents Sunday, before coming here. Before moving with me. Because his parents disagreed with this step, his father got drunk and his mother was crying.  As a consequence, he doesn’t want to visit him too soon.

I look at him and see something’s broken inside of him, and feel like telling him how sorry I am I ever brought this over him. Like I was the only one wanting it… but he wanted it too, at least this is what he told me.  But I feel sorry for him. In the same time I’m sure we’ve done the right thing.

Because for me, everything seems right.

Yesterday we fought for the first time. I asked him why was he less sweet to me than before. He said he’s individualistic. That I, for instance, have lived at the hostel too, in a room with other 3 people, but he never did. Never in his adult life anyway.

I don’t know.

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September 4, 2012 Motivation back

 

Every day, I wake up. Turn on my laptop. Go to the bathroom. Open the sites with jobs, nothing new, another day of unemployment.

It’s not a big problem, I’m not yet so desperate.

But E. and I want to move together in the other city, a one room apartment, with a little terrace, a little kitchen where I could cook… He works in that city anyway, but he commutes(is this the word?) everyday, back home. Even for a one room apartment, the rents are …a lot. 150 euros.

And for moving together, I firstly have to have a job. And you know? That’s exactly what I want now for my life: working, and living with him.

I asked him some days ago:

Miss Audrey: “E., if I’ll have a job, will we move together like we talked before?”

E:” Yes”

Miss Audrey:”Won’t your parents be against?”

E:”It doesn’t matter”

Miss Audrey:”Can I have a kitty?”

E”Yes”

Miss Audrey:”Really? Oh, thank you, yeees, I’ve wanted a kitty all my life, I will love it, and feed it, and be her friend, and..”

 

Well, the truth is… I have my motivation back. Some time when things don’t even depend on me and my motivation, but on them employers.

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August 10, 2012 So imperfect that it is just perfect for the real life

You probably saw movies. In a cinema, or at home, alone or with your friends, maybe with your partner. You have probably seen some action movies, some comedies, sci-fi movies, dramas….

Oooh, they make you see yourself in one of the characters, they fool you from the beginning, it hooks you up.

You hope it will be a happy ending, although, let’s be honest here, in romantic comedies it always is. In dramas sometimes, but that happy ending is well-deserved there.

You dread that moment when something bad “unexpectedly” happens.

But I don’t have a problem with these movies, not in general, at least.

I have a problem with their… sex scenes.

In The Sims (the game), they present a sex scene as “woohoo”, those 2 Sims going under the quilt and making sounds like “hihi” “haha”, and next are the FIREWORKS. In the end, the woman/man puts her/his head on her/his chest. What a happy ending!

In movies they make it seem more interesting than it really is; more complex. They never show a guy who sweats too much or a girl who can’t have the big O. Or rarely. Just that… real life is a bit different, isn’t it?

With a guy who knows what to do, you might be in luck. But sometimes, even with a guy who SAYS he knows what to do (such as a ladies’ man, such as a loverboy, there are so many women he had, he said), you can’t have the big O. You spend your time reading articles written by people who cannot help you, those words, already took into account, have no effect. Ok,these articles tell ou that you shouldn’t wait for it, you shouldn’t make it the purpose of the sex scene, having the big O.

Oh. And in a short time this really happens: You don’t care anymore. You love this man. Sex is way different than in movies with him. So imperfect.

So imperfect that it is just …perfect for the real life.

Yes, you are a bit frustrated, wondering if it is your fault or his. But then again, nobody COULD make you feel that way, and there were some before him, so… wouldn’t that make it your fault?

The human psychology is complicated. Consequences. Facts. Things that make you who you are.

Who knows?

That was ONE of the reasons I wanted to try it with G. He was THAT character : a ladies’ man, a lover boy, experienced and bragging about it. Made me curious. Made me wonder: Was I with all the wrong men(from THIS point of view only), or … was I the broken one?

The conclusion? Our sex scene was as real as any other. Any other that wasn’t filmed, at least. No spark. No perfection. And very relevant to this subject: NO FIREWORKS.

The conclusion?

Sorry, the conclusions:

1) I was with all the wrong men, and he was one of them.  NO FIREWORKS (I doubt it)

or

2) The men weren’t wrong, I was the broken one. (más o menos)

or

3) G. could brag a lot. Women fake O’s all the time. Maybe he was a lover boy who would just overestimate his powers…. (probably)

4) Who cares? (YES, YES, YES!)

I wrote this post because those movies are unrealistic. I’m not 16 anymore, to believe them, but if you are, you should know this. There are many nice things about sex…. but you should wait a little if you are 16. So I won’t go into them right now… maybe… never.

 

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August 4, 2012 Alcohol doesn’t transform us; it removes the shyness from our personality, and the fear we sometimes hold in our heart for too long

Two weeks ago I went out with some friends of E’s. One of them was the guy that was my friend and stopped talking with me all of a sudden one year ago.

We got from one place to another, from beer to cigar, from cigar to beer, from too many beers to mineral water. We were in the park, drinking a beer when I asked him:”Can I ask you something?”, he said “yes”, and I asked “why did you stop talking with me?”

He said he knew it wasn’t a nice thing, what he did. But that I was too much to handle. I was talking with him too much, and he didn’t want a long-distance relationship.

I smiled. “That wasn’t a relationship”.

“Yeah, but it kind of looked like one”.

“Maybe, I said. But it wasn’t”.

And then he went on again, telling me how he knew it wasn’t nice what he did, bla bla bla.

We went someplace else after that.

E. was at the bathroom when I told B.: “Some time ago I accessed E’s email address, and I’ve found some conversations he had with you. “

“yes?”

“I didn’t start talking with  him to get your attention, I didn’t start talking with him because I had no friends. We met on the bus and I just… I love him, I really love him”.

“I love him too”, he said (they’re very good friends, since they were little).

“I know. I want us to be friends. It’s a shame we’re not. I want to be able to talk with you if I want to, and you can do the same”.

“Yes”, although he didn’t seem convinced. And he certainly didn’t try to talk with me.

The fact that I’ve drunk helped a little… ok, more than a little. I wanted to ask him this for so much time… and now I had the courage. And the confidence I had… I knew what to say, in my defense, in his offense. I am that person.

Alcohol doesn’t transform us in something we’re not; it removes the shyness from our personality, and the fear we sometimes hold in our heart for too long…

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