Letter for my dad

Letter for my dad

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Dear Dad,

 

I know I have the ‘habit’ of being too sentimental; a bit lacrimogenic, way too ‘soap-opera’-ish. That’s why I’ll write everything here, where you won’t ever read it. But I’ll write it, because I need to.

There are 3 days to my birthday, and I can’t think of any better gift ever, than the fact that I know you are okay. Everybody is okay and I’m grateful.

Last Thursday it was your birthday. 55 years old and getting younger. I called you and meant it when I said I wished you to get younger and younger, and you were on the right track. Whose father takes up paragliding after 50? Active, full of passion, happy…

But on Saturday, getting that phone call from mom… of course, sis always said you getting in an accident was bound to happen; she said that, and I always thought it as a possibility, but never actually…thought it could happen. Now that I think of mom’s voice, she was scared, that phone call was actually worse than what actually happened. Because you could have fallen, you could have broken all your bones, destroy your nerves…even die. You didn’t. Thank God. It was your foot.. a silly accident, from the man that is always careful, but is still a man and does his little mistakes. Because accidents happen that way.

So we hurried to mom, and I swear to God, I can be so strong when something happens to me, but I am so weak when something happens to you, my family. We visited you in the hospital and you were putting on a brave face…Only it wasn’t as simple as a “broken foot”, putting it in plaster and so on….it was more like “broken foot, in 3 places, your tibia needs a metal something,(I don’t know the word)”. And you asked the doctor how long till you can fly again and his answer changed your face. No more brave face. Three months like this, and then another three months.. The season for flying is just starting..but not for you.

And I know I’m a bit silly for feeling so strongly about this.. since there wasn’t something worse that happened! …it might be the hormones as well. I know I have a lot of those, but not the right kind..

But the idea is.. I’m so happy you’re okay. I love you and you are strong.

Stronger than your tibia, anyway🙂

Another post where Audrey is complaing about this and that

Another post where Audrey is complaing about this and that

And once again, I have that strange desire of being crazy. Just a bit. Or just detached. People would look at me with pity in their eyes, and say: “how are you?”

And I would say “hello”,

And them “really, now”

And me “hello”

And them “that bad, huh?”

And me “hello”..

Detached, not caring, crazy, it’s my idea of that.

Because this level if stress I’m experiencing, it cannot be healthy. I’m sure it isn’t.

Getting married, changing job, buying an apartment all in one year, without enough money, of course, this is too much.

And let’s not forget how my thyroid is stupid and not secreting enough hormones, thus making me even more “crazy”, huh?

How about that?

Or making movies in my head, and not happy-ending ones, as well? I think hormones are to blame for this as well, since usually I am quite positive

Right?

Hello.

Hello.

The stresses and fears of an insomniac Audrey

The stresses and fears of an insomniac Audrey

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I honestly can tell, I don’t know if I’ve ever been this stressed in my life.

I’ve never had a panic attack, I heard they suck, I don’t want to start now..  I know you cannot help it.

What’s stressing me in such a majestic way? I’m like a ship hit from all sides…

It could be:

WORK

Well, I work where I have worked and I try to make it better than last time (when my contract just wasn’t prolonged), where I work part time and make some money, but not a lot , of course, I understand that.

Is this a secret about call-centers? The fact that the people you talk to have targets, targets that are quite strict and on which a big chunk (in the case of part-timers, at least, for sure) of their salaries depend on?

People you talk to on the phone, have policies to respect. Some customers understand, some not really. When they give a mark, they either give the agent a good ‘review’ and the company they represent a bad one, or they just give a bad one overall: both agent and company, not understanding that the agent had no fault of its own.

Those ‘reviews’ are equal…in the eyes of ‘God’.

And this is how my salary sucks this month. Thank you, people!

COLLEGE

What was I thinking, going to college after taking a 2 year pause? What was I thinking of going from studying English/French terminology, translations to studying…

Automatics Control and Computers?

I’ve been to the courses, to the labs(that’s why I’m working part-time, after all), it is as if I took an advanced class in Chinese/Japanese/Arabic, and I didn’t even know the alphabet…

And I’ve started the exam period. Where I study, and study all my free time, and I’m not sure my brain is like a sponge anymore, because everything I write down in the exam is distorted and different than what I learned. I’m actually more creative than …scientific.

HUNTING FOR AN APARTMENT

I know, people still have rents and they live very well; that’s what people tell me. Those people weren’t just announced that their rent will be more expensive, and if something breaks down probably the landlord will repair or exchange. No such luck for us. We don’t have a landlord, we have an owner, who takes the money each month and that’s it. Things start breaking down, because they are OLD, and we only have a hand-written contract that doesn’t mean much. We are at his mercy. Why? In Romania laws don’t matter much…You should have a real contract, but then the owner will pay taxes and … well, who wants that?

So, we’re searching for an apartment. Bank involved, money raised… hard. Hard, hard…We’re searching for 2 weeks now, and the apartment’s either on the ground floor, or the last floor…

FAMILY

That brings me to family. When the atmosphere is not so nice anymore, and we’re not getting together so well anymore. Because we want to buy an apartment. Bank involved. And they are concerned. And they make us fear for our lives!! Because behold, bank is involved. Quite a big sum is involved. Every month we would have to pay exactly what we’re paying now for the damn owner. Except then…the little place would be ours. We could have children and not depend on an owner. I could decorate, myself. MAU would have her own walls to jump on and act crazy around🙂 and so on and so forth.

HEALTH

Some issues with my health. Nothing serious (I think), but uncomfortable. I’ve been to the doctor and I’m waiting for the diagnostic, and that also makes me very anxious.

Very. Anxious. Indeed.

NEAR FUTURE

I actually have some prospects of getting another job. Better paid, worse hours, very psychologically demanding, very scary and important, huge responsibilities on my shoulders, but better prospects for the future. I would be doing something with my life.

That involves a very looong psychological exam and some other exams(including English), all in February. I’m so excited, I’m not stressed at all…

… right?

A bit. All this stress makes me lose sleep… I look out the window and I see the moon. I was trying to sleep so I don’t have my glasses on my nose and so I say to myself : “Of course you cannot sleep, it’s a full moon!”

And this is how, at midnight I find myself writing, again on my blog.

Except it wasn’t a full moon, but merely a 3/4 moon.

Photo from here.

Depression has many shapes

Depression has many shapes

  Oh, “insert belief in something|someone here”. Oh, universe, or oh, life, or oh, whatever. Losing myself in the details…

Oh, universe, a mom writing messages to her dead son on facebook. Isn’t this sad? Just heart-breaking? I realised a long time ago that when a person dies this is what bothers us the worst about it. Not being able to communicate withthat  person anymore. How do you deal with it? I am thankful for not having to deal with it, ever. But then again, I even suffer when unknown people die… When people suffer. And when animals suffer, even more…
I think it just goes away… with time… like every kind of sufference. I remember my psychologist telling me, in connection with my case, how people dying is a bit more normal than people being raped. I would like to talk to her. Tell her that I did what she told me I shouldn’t do. Now I am afraid it might all explode sometime. Ignoring is not okay, does not make you strong. Makes you think yourself strong, though. And I have learned to give myself anything I want. Because I am afraid of me having a crisis. I never had one, but then again, I have given myself chocolate and alcohol and clothes. I am a spoiled child… 

Depression has many shapes. 

Romania is a very beautiful country. Too bad people are living in it.

Romania is a very beautiful country. Too bad people are living in it.

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There’s this thing that happened in my country. It rarely happens, or maybe it rarely makes the “public”. Seven monsters raped a girl.

It’s everywhere, on the news, Facebook, on people’s mouths. Everywhere.

Romania is a country in which drunks kill drunks, drunks kill their women, drunks kill themselves. Most of the crimes are like these. Drunk parents ‘accidentally’ kill their children. Village people, most of it, I swear.

I saw an interview in which the interviewer was asking people on a street in a village :

Interviewer: “What country is this?”

And the people were answering “I don’t know, you took me by surprise”…

The country you live in! You could ask a 2 year old and he would tell you this…

And these are people that are allowed to vote!

Romania is a beautiful country, too bad people are living in it.

And let’s get back to that piece of news that is hunting me…

As I said, it is a discussed topic on Facebook. People are signing petitions everywhere, for chemical castration, and stuff..

Even I signed 2 of them, although I am sure it will change nothing. Because you see, Romania is not a country with a justition system. Ha! It’s not like they found my monster. And if they had, they would have given him a year or two, or ten, living in a prison, eating food and consuming electricity and other things, paid by a part of Romanian people’s salaries… What a holiday!
But these 7 monsters, we know who they are… Here comes the irony, or anyway, the thing that makes me want to hit a wall with my fist, while throwing up, while crying…

They are absolutely free, and they will stay free. They were judged, for now, and declared free to go…for now.

There are people that consider them “not guilty” and that girl “guilty”. The monsters’ parents are crying for their little boys’ lives and oh, there’s no justice here. People are taking their sides…

I don’t want to live in this country anymore. On this planet anymore.

And if I had courage and could write facebook a piece of my mind, for all my friends or for those who want to listen, here it is:

I read the other day the opinion of a psychologist on this case. He was saying that rape is the second worst thing, the first being murder, because it is the killing of one’s soul.

I kept my soul, I was strong. Maybe she will be too. But nobody knows that strength cannot be 100% strength. It’s what comes in majority, and in me it was strength. But at night, when I cannot sleep, memories come to my mind, and there are always the ugliest ones. The most horrible thoughts. Nobody knows how happy I was for just walking alone on the street in the broad daylight, when I finally managed to do it, after almost 2 years. And still how stupid I feel when looking behind me, a lot,  afraid it might happen again.

Because it is a real fear. Happening again. I once told my dad “I’m okay now… But if it happened again, I would go insane. I feel it”.

How people just joke saying that word, and it’s like a knife… Because people don’t realise…

Justice?

Being green, while others are in (full) bloom

Being green, while others are in (full) bloom

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What kind of people would we be, if we didn’t expect our happy ends? If we didn’t demand them ?

That’s a thought I had and written down in order to have it later on as well…

We are used to watching movies and expecting them to end in a happy manner, and that’s how we expect our lives to end as well…

But why do we demand this happy-end? We are not fairytale characters, there is no prince charming, and people die everyday and I’m sure that most of them are not happy… to die. Or anyway.

We know this. We forget it exactly how we forget to be happy and content with what we have because others have it worst. We remember sometimes, we feel like bad people and go on not being satisfied with our little lives…

That’s how we forget that out happy-end is not guaranteed.

But I wonder what kind of people would we be if we didn’t expect to have our happy-end? If we didn’t take it for granted?

I think we would not be so disappointed when life was not so happy. I think we would actually be more content with what we had… And we would not expect good things to just happen to us… just because we exist.

I am guilty of being immature and having lived under the impression that something would happen to make me happy … but that’s not a must, is it?

And I am happy with what I have… I have love, and I have family, and thank the Universe, we make ends meet, and we do it quite graciously… We have health and we have a cat… But my Universe collapsed for a moment or two, or a day or two, or a week… when I found out a friend is going to have a baby.

It was a week ago, and I quit smoking that day.

It was a week ago, and I cried like a baby, which shows that I shouldn’t have a baby. Yet.

It was a week ago and I know it makes me look like a really bad person, and maybe I am… I wish them health and happiness, and I truly am happy for them, I am, but then I think of myself.

Floating. Just floating through life. Not having a job, and not getting anywhere closer to having a wedding, a marriage (well, an official one), a baby. Not having that house with a white fence that has become the symbol of your own family and home…

But I’m still floating. I am green, while others are in bloom.